5 Lessons in Loving Yourself More

I’m going to share with you some surprising life lessons I’ve learned since becoming a health and wellness coach and how it has taught me to love myself as a divorced plus-size woman struggling with self-esteem issues. These lessons can be difficult to accept at first, but they can be life changing if you choose to embrace them. Although I’m nowhere near achieving my ideal body, mind, and spirit, I’ve learned to accept that change is a very messy process but oh so worth it. I hope you’ll find at least one of the five lessons listed as an inspirational takeaway!

❤️ CHANGE TAKES TIME…a really long time.

This probably is one of the first lessons I had to embrace. Not really understanding what that meant is probably what contributed to my years of yo-yo dieting. We all want that quick fix, be it pills, fad diets, endless trips to the gym, binging and purging, or not eating at all in some cases.  I don’t need to go into the societal pressures of what it means to be a woman (or a man for that matter). The point I am making here is that if you have spent decades hating yourself, don’t expect that fitting into a pair of skinny jeans will make it all better. There is work to be done physically, mentally, spiritually, and it will take time. BUT here is the saving grace…the more you learn to accept this truth, the more enjoyable the process of change becomes, making your end goal less important. You will begin to embrace every seemingly small success along the way, and that is how you will learn to love yourself.

❤️ YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM…so stop it!

Many of us have set up our own traps, myself included. It’s called self-sabotage. When we adopt a worldview in which we are always the victim, more often than not we are partly to blame for our circumstances. I know that may be difficult to accept; I cringed many times when I first heard of it and it took me a couple of years to finally make that mental breakthrough. So here is one way of looking at it…assuming we’re naive about something or someone, we can easily fall prey. When we have no control over certain events in our lives, we can become a victim of circumstance.  But here is the lesson…you can only be a victim once. If you continue to find yourself in the same scenario over and over again, something is definitely wrong, and it usually means you are self-protecting in some way that may not be obvious to you. Because we are talking about something much deeper here, self-reflection is definitely required. Journaling, talk-therapy, meditation, hypnosis, or prayer can be very helpful. Self-investigation and taking the time to really think about why you are sabotaging yourself is an act of self-love and self-care.


I am a thinker. I overthink all the time. I have ADHD and that means I have more thoughts running through my mind taking a shower than most “normal” minds do by the time they get to work and have fueled themselves with coffee. But whether you have ADHD or not, many of us will wait…and wait…and wait…hoping for something or someone to motivate us to do what we already know is necessary for change to occur. But that just isn’t how it works. There is a difference between being inspired and being motivated. Inspiration comes from observing. Motivation comes from doing or taking action. So how do you get there? How do you make that first move? You simply stop thinking about it! I’m not saying it’s easy to shut it down…trust me I know! However, realize that your brain is designed to be habitual, which is why change is so difficult. The more you think, the more you end up battling with your own mind and it will convince you that it’s not worth trying, so you have to trick your brain into action. This is why I believe in order for you to change how you perceive yourself on an emotional level, you have to start with physical activity. Exercising, eating well, taking care of your physical body is an act of self-love.


There are countless examples making the argument that in order to be successful in anything, you have to try and fail many times. Unfortunately, most people will never try again after they have failed. So it’s not so much that failure equals success, it’s just that success can only be achieved by not allowing your failures to stop you from trying again. I have failed so many times, allowed doubt to creep in (it still does), and I end up berating myself with negative self-talk such as, “I’m such a loser, I’m worthless, I’m unlovable, I’m disgusting, and I’ll never be successful in life.” There goes that victim mentality again, right?! The attitude that you have about failure is more important than your attitude about success. Again this is a mental shift, one that I had to learn as a health and wellness coach. In order to make a mental shift like that, you really got to tap into personal development constantly until it really sinks in. I’m talking about reading books, listening to podcasts, watching Youtube videos, following inspirational people, and above all CONNECTING with other people who are LIKE MINDED! That part is huge.


If you want to become successful in anything, if you want to change that victim mentality that you have, if you want to learn how to love yourself physically and emotionally, you absolutely have to evaluate the company that you keep. Without having tapped into personal development, I never would have understood how important it is to connect and build relationships with people who are smarter, more successful, more fit, and more confident. Watch them, learn from them, ask them questions, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, because I promise you that every successful person that has what you want and is confident in themselves won’t push you away if you are serious about becoming a better version of yourself. Everyone has potential. Everyone has beauty. Everyone has something to offer this world. If you are married to, work with, or hang out with people who are jealous, bring you down, don’t see your worth, it’s time to start loving yourself and letting them go.

Top 6 Things NOT to do During a Separation or Breakup. 

I’m no relationship expert. Hell, I’m divorced even! But I will say that I have learned from my past experiences things which ring so true that I absolutely must share them with my broken hearted sisters.

If you have any hope in reconciling your love relationship, or you just want to heal as quickly as possible, then I hope you will consider taking my advice.


For the love of all things holy, DO NOT stalk your ex on social media. Trying to figuare what he is doing or who he is doing it with will only cause you greater pain. Trust me I know. I’ve been there and I could tell you some horror stories. Fortunately, I learned before my final marriage separation to never put myself through that again.

If you have any social media “friends” that you know are really “his” friends, separate yourself from them. You don’t owe anyone an explaination, but if you are a “people pleaser”, you can be very gentle and diplomatic by messaging that person before you unfriend them. Keep it short and sweet. Let them know it’s nothing personal against them – you just feel it’s for the best as you both go through the grieving process.  In most cases, people will understand, and some may even appreciate you making it  less awkward for them.

Ultimately it’s about you though. The more doors you keep open, the more avenues you have in getting hurt. Don’t trick yourself into thinking that his friends are your  friends. And if you are the one who ends up getting blocked, just take a deep breath and don’t take it personal.


One of the most effective and therapeutic ways in which I was able to move through my separation and later my divorce was typing out long text messages, then deleting them or saving them to my phone. When you know in your gut that there are things better left unsaid, yet you feel so compelled and justified to say something, use this technique to release that momentary pent up energy.

Think about it. What good will come from saying what you want to say? Will saying something resolve the situation or will it only escalate it? I can tell you that every time I allowed my emotions to take over and I expressed them to the person I was angry with, it always backfired. So how do you prevent this reptilian reaction? I don’t think you can unless you are big on meditation and able to calm yourself down quickly.  If you are however a passionate firecracker quick to temper, the best thing to do is to spew on paper or in an unsent text message.


Drowning your sorrows is never a good thing. You would not be the first to get a little wasted and poopoo on your ex, but be very careful not to make this a regular occurrence unless you want to quickly wear out your friendships. This was a hard lesson for me at first, but after a while I realized that my grieving process was going to take a lot longer than what my friends had the stamina for.

You have to understand and accept that your friends and even your family can only take so much. Negativity drains a lot of energy, not just from you but from others as well. I will never say to someone that they should just get over it. What I will say is that sometimes your friends and family aren’t the best people to vent to because there is a shelf life, so it’s important to put other supports in place like joining a private social media group or seeing a therapist.


Your gears are constantly turning. You’re exhausted from crying non-stop. You’re having bad dreams or not sleeping at all.  You’re obsessing about the past and can’t shut it off. Your chest is so tight it feels like your heart is going to implode. And some days you pray you could just close your eyes and peacefully drift far…far…away only to never wake up again.

Yup! Been there too and stayed there for a long time. It’s called depression and heartache. You have two choices. Either sit and marinate in your sorrow while entertaining suicidal thoughts, OR get up and start moving! I know it’s not easy. I cried so much during my separation and divorce that my own child started to roll his eyes at me. I had no control over my thoughts or my emotions. I had to do something about it. So I started going for a walk and tuning out with music, and I’ve been exercising ever since.

There is nothing wrong with letting out your emotions. You have to feel them in order to heal, but eventually you have to  start focusing on your mental wellbeing and the best way to start that process, I am convinced is through physical movement.


I prolonged my healing process by staying in contact with my ex. We share a child so ofcourse we had no choice, especially if we were going to co-parent. But there is a fat line between necessary contact and excessive contact. I fooled myself into thinking we could still be “friends”. I had envisioned a perfect scenario in which he and I would be the greatest co-parents in the world, we would share holidays together with the grandparents, and even befriend eachother’s new love interests.

This magical thinking will only lead you down an even more painful path that could have been prevented. Don’t be surprised if you end up sleeping with eachother. Don’t be surprised to find that you end up creating more points of arguement and rehashing old ones despite how many times you end up having sex. And if you have children, they will end up more confused once you  decide to put a solid halt on things after deciding its best to stay away from eachother for a while.

Every relationship is different. The dynamics that existed in my relationship might be very different from yours, but the end result is still the same. You can not hope for reconciliation until you give yourself the time and space to be away from eachother. It is only then that you can start to see things more clearly and make your own assessments without the influence of triggered emotions.


This last one I know is difficult. It’s still difficult for me at times, but I can not stress enough how important this last one is. So many times I wanted to tell my version of what happened, but on the very few occasions I did, I almost always regretted it.  Say what you got to say to the right people; a trusted few who know your story because they lived through it with you, a therapist, or vent to a group of strangers in an online support group.

I’m very close to my mother in-law, and I’ve always had a special place in my heart for my father in-law. Divorce doesn’t simply dissolve that for me. But as much as I wanted to tell my in-laws how I felt about things, I had to swallow my pride if I was going to keep a relationship with them. When I found out about my ex husband’s new fiancé, my emotions were still very  raw and believe me, I had plenty to say. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes for a moment will hopefully give you the perspective you need to keep your mouth shut and not make a complete ass out of yourself. There will always be your version, his version, and the truth which sits somewhere in the middle. It’s only natural for his support system to side with his truth, just as it is only natural for your support system to side with your truth.

I want to come back around to social media. I am very active on social media because it plays a huge part in what I want to do with my professional life. Being open and sharing my personal story is part of that. There is however a right way and a wrong way when it comes to sharing about a failed relationship. The general rule of thumb I would say, is to ask yourself why you are sharing. Is what you are about to share going to provide value to your audience?  If not, then don’t share it! The very last thing you want is to come off as bitter, negative, or without class. Be very careful in how you air out your dirty laundry as they say, because it can backfire in a mean way causing you more grief than is necessary.

Accepting Fitness – Two Decades Later

It wasn’t until my life seemed to fall apart that I really understood in order for me to change my negative victim mentality, I had to get off the couch and stop thinking and sobbing so damn much. 

I was at my heaviest at close to 290 pounds when my husband asked for a divorce. My child was only 5 at the time, and I was completely distraught. I also hated my work environment, I was stressed and on edge. I had been going through some mental health issues at the time and had lost all confidence in myself as a wife, mother, supervisor, daughter even. I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted.

Since my pre-teens, I desired change – to transform into a completely different person. I read self-help books, but without implementing the work. I bought into many diet programs only to fail over and over again. I joined several gyms only to stop going. I wrote out my vision without following through with any of my goals. Eventually, I stopped living, dreaming, visualizing, hoping.

It wasn’t until my life seemed to fall apart, that I really understood that in order for me to change my negative victim mentality, I had to get off the couch and stop thinking and sobbing so damn much. Easier said than done right? That’s why for some of us, it takes hitting rock bottom. This is what I discovered though…by working out for 30 minutes a day, I was allowing my brain to take a break from all the unhealthy circular thinking I was doing. I’m not saying that fitness will solve all your problems. In my case, I depend on stimulants and anti-depressants, I talk to a therapist, I decided to take a low key job, I drink a nutrient dense shake every day, I surround myself with positive people, I reduce the noise in my environment. However, tapping into fitness has made all those other pieces start to fall into place; it was the key that I knew I was missing, but too stubborn to accept for decades.